you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Randomize
