two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
