im six kinds of drunk right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
