A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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