Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
