fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
