mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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