I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
