I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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