omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
