I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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