Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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