I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
