Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
