You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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