Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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