Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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