well I can't set my house on fire every night
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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