I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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