A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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