I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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