Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
