Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
