Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
