My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
