My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
