just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
