so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
