jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
me + whiskey = a bad person
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
