apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
