she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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