***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
