that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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