My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
