I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
