sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
