we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
