How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
