there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
