Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
