he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
