Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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