Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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