Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
