Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
