happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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