Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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