So drunk its hurt
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
