Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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