its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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